What do Steel Panther, Frank Turner, Funeral For a Friend, Trivium, Sonic Boom Six and Blitz Kids taste like? I decided to find out.
Six years ago today, during my time at university music site Electric Banana, I interviewed Corey Beaulieu of Trivium. Due to the tasty name of the website, and Matt Heafy’s obsession with food, he got a very unusual question: “If your music were a food, what would it taste like?”.
Corey Beaulieu: “That’s hard! That would be a good Matt (Heafy) question ‘cos he’s a real food guru guy. It would probably be something really… weird. Matt likes to try a lot of weird foods and stuff. A lot of stuff I’m not really familiar with. It would have to be a meal with a lot of variety to it, cos we do a lot of stuff with our music that’s all over the place as far as our style stuff goes. A buffet.”
The answer might have been a bit of a a vague cop-out, but I couldn’t resist sticking with it. I asked it again. And again. And again. As a result, this became a mainstay of most of my interviews while I was a university student, and every so often since. Here is a compilation of some of the answers that I have received from musicians over the last couple of years. Some sensible. Some creative. Some bloody revolting.
Michael Starr: I’d taste like pizza.
Stix Zadinia: He would definitely taste like pizza.
MS: I definitely would. A little garlicky. Not too much. But a lot of cheese.
SZ: I like to think that I would taste like strawberry. With a hint of watermelon.
MS: You’re so fuckin’ Californian, dude.
SZ: Dude! That’s how I roll, bro! It’s where I was born, man!
Laila K: (very quickly) Curry!
Barney Boom: Hot curry.
LK: Yeah, curry. Madras or above! Our band’s daily life revolves around food. What are we going to eat when we get to the venue? What are we going to eat when we get to the hotel? We had a roast today. It was the most disappointing roast. We were depressed for like… two hours afterwards, because it was so rubbish. We had been looking forward to that since last Sunday! So, yeah. It all revolves around food. And if you don’t like curry, you can’t be in our club!
Matt Davies-Kreye: Oh Christ… very weird, because you’ve got one vegan, two vegetarians and two carnivores, so it would be a very odd food.
Pat Lundy: It would be ‘fake-on’ I guess. Fake-on strips.
MD-K: Yeah, fake bacon.
Me: That’s what I have to put up with at home. My mum is a vegetarian.
PL: It’s a girl thing.
[Matt sticks middle finger up at Pat]
Jake Pitts: Probably dog food.
Me: That is revolting. Why?
JP: We all like so many things so I don’t know.
Nic Montgomery: (laughs) Pffff… probably shit.
Me: Ugh, that’s the nastiest one yet. I thought Black Veil Brides were bad. They said dog food.
NM: No, that’s pretty good. I think we might be a burrito. Or beer. We taste like beer. We taste like poo in a beer. Beer poo. Or poo beer.
Timfy James: Deep-fried chicken. No! J likes it!
J Hurley: Yeah, definitely chicken! Juicy chicken. Really juicy.
Josh Gurner: No, we’re like those people who take their McDonalds chips and dip it in a McFlurry. They’re two things that are pretty good on their own, and then if you mix the two together, some people think it’s the shit, and other people go ‘what the fuck is that?’.
TJ: Yeah! There you go. That’s brilliant. I would have said chips and McDonalds milkshake. Basically, any two foods that shouldn’t go together and taste amazing. Bacon on syrup and pancakes.
Nate Derby: Salty.
Skylar Sarkis: Gluten free.
ND: It wouldn’t be very thick. It would be like a flax cracker.
SS: Or a communion wafer. It would come with a nice glass of red wine.
ND: And some humus.
SS: And it would be administered by a priest.
Frank Turner: Probably a steak and ale pie. Wholesome. I don’t make particularly radical and adventurous music. It’s just country rock music. It’s also damn fine and tasty!
(NOTE: If this was a joke about him abandoning being straight-edge and vegetarian, I missed it. Oops. Sorry Frank. If not, I’m quite proud of now noticing the coincidence…)
Jason Danzelman: I would go with a nice banoffee pie, I’d say. It’s got like a slightly crunchy base (bass?), it’s soft in places and sweet and tasty at the same time.
Me: That is the deepest, most poetic answer I’ve been given for such a stupid question. I’d promised Critical Wave I would stop asking that too.
(NOTE: True story. For that reason, I refused to put this question away.)
Stu Radcliffe: A good cheese sandwich that you have burnt to a crisp. That you’ve dropped in poo. Then microwaved.
Charlie Bowes: And then you eat it while crying.
Dick Speaight: While sat in the rain.
Zuberoa Aznarez: (laughs) Wow! Well, it wouldn’t be very nice because there are so many elements inside one piece. Vegetables and something sweet. Chocolate maybe?
Gorka Elso: And also something spicy in some cases. And it’s obvious that it won’t be fast food!
Alex Tobijanski: I bet (Danny) Swifty would taste like a Peperami. (sniggers)
Danny Swift: At least I’m spicy.
Sammy Clifford: No, probably just pasta.
Probably… four-year old pizza. With lots of herbs and spices. It wouldn’t be a great mix. And you would need something to drink. Vodka?
Björgvin Sigurðsson: (laughs) Wow, I don’t know. Probably rotten shark, as we’re from Iceland.
Me: I spoke to Kontrust, also on Napalm Records, just yesterday, and they said ‘rotten pizza’. I see a pattern emerging.