“After years of songs about wanking, I was ready to stop a few years ago. But then, my guardian angel came one night.”
Kunt, lone member of Kunt and the Gang abrasively reminisces, until he reveals a puppet of the saviour that opened more doors – Jimmy Savile, who gets the biggest cheer that he’s had in years, and ever will do.
However, Kunt says that that wall has been hit once again, and after a thirteen-year reign of hilarious smut, Kunt and the Gang will be no more following his farewell tour. Tonight at the sold-out Southampton Firehouse, Kunt stages his penultimate performance, as he reaches the end of The Final Kuntdown.
That is not to say that the occasion comes across as very ceremonious, as the stage is bare beside Kunt and his MP3 player, which will be his ‘live’ band tonight. Kunt shamelessly bobs up and down, with an additional odd mischievous wink at the audience. It’s ridiculous enough that half of the vocals during ‘Jimmy Savile and the Sexy Kids’ consist of Kunt holding a mic to the puppet, while pre-recorded vocals are reeled off by an iPod.
It’s not like the outrageously noisy crowd care much. In fact, nobody seems to have a care in the world, as Kunt and the Gang functions to alienate fans from any judgement outdoors at the end of the day and let them scream whatever they please, with emphasis of course on the words “fuck”, “cunt” and “wank”, of course. After hundreds of shows, even Kunt seems blown away during the audience’s practice session of singing next song ‘Fucksticks’: “That was really… fucking impressive.”
It is only fitting that the ninety-second long ‘It’s Just a Butterfly’ begins solemnly as Kunt mourns at a funeral, only to throw a filthy tantrum when his friend’s reflections get a bit too melodramatic. Every so often, Kunt reflects upon his past, but it really goes to show what tonight’s attitude is, as he can’t hold on to sentimentality for long. He admits that most of his songs are ripped off from the Blankety Blank theme tune, and can say it on his road to retirement because he doesn’t have to face the consequences. A nostalgic reflection on his long-time crush Carol Vorderman (“Carol’s really beautiful, and really good at sums…”) didn’t take long to descend to “I’d like to put my willy in her noonie or her bum.”
After the first chorus of stomach-and-womb-turning ditty ‘The Abortion Song’ Kunt explains the matter perfectly: “It’s only been thirty-eight seconds. Feels longer doesn’t it?”. Bear in mind that this show is twenty-two songs long. Long enough that it has an interval.
For that reason, one would think that the novelty and comedy of Kunt and the Gang would be exhausted in minutes, but tonight genuinely feels like a definitive montage of the last thirteen years. After closing on infamous ode to those who have not abused children, and still manages to channel dirt, with ‘The Wrong Ian Watkins’ (the only song tonight to feature an instrumentalist – support act Mike Gibbons on his acoustic guitar), Kunt makes his irritating but intriguing “See you in a couple of years when I’m skint!”
Kunt had earlier stated that a technical hitch during opener ‘Penis Extension’ was meant to “lower your expectations tonight”. It seems that he needn’t have bothered. The sold out Firehouse knew exactly what to expect, and by the sounds of things, wouldn’t mind hearing exactly the same thing again. Same time next year, Kunt?
Just out from Firehouse, the penultimate gig, and what a mad mad night! Thank you Southampton 8===3 – – – pic.twitter.com/K9fGuykfaI
— Kunt andtheGang (@kuntandthegang) November 5, 2016
BONUS: Why tonight will be held very dear.
Today was special. The day I first said “cunt” in front of my parents, saying I was seeing @kuntandthegang tonight. Who is/was/were awesome.
— Nick Pollard (@nickzpollard) November 5, 2016