8 Crazy ‘Legend of Zelda’ Assist Trophies Missing From Super Smash Bros

While Nintendo fans reminisce over who might be announced as a playable character on the upcoming Super Smash Bros for 3DS and Wii U, something else dawned on me. Brawl brought us ‘Assist Trophies’, which allowed players to summon various characters of games past and present, who weren’t quite notable enough to warrant being playable. For example, Mr Resetti of Animal Crossing could be summoned to perpetually moan at characters, obscuring the action with a massive speech bubble.

Since I spotted from the list that the ever irritating and despised Tingle is back, here are a few Legend of Zelda Assist Trophies that I’d much rather see.

So now that these are already announced, here are a few that are missing.

LORD JABU-JABU

 

This one is easy. Biggoron may be a master of weaponry, and well… big, but has nothing on this monster. Jabu-Jabu is a massive whale, already in a state to squash any Zoras who don’t fancy worshiping him today. His role in Ocarina of Time is to swallow you, and from inside its belly, you must defeat bio-electric creatures. Doesn’t a hungry aquatic beast whose belly is buzzing with electric energy sound like an outrageously deadly weapon?

KAEPORA GAEBORA

“Do you want to hear what I said again?” Of course not, but whether we like it or not, no matter how quickly we tap A, he could make us.

The only character to battle Tingle for the title of most annoying, is The Legend of Zelda’s own Mr Resetti – Kaepora Gaebora, that damn owl who gladly makes you jump out of your skin to tell you what you already know. One lethal swoop across the screen and obscuring speech bubbles make this freak of birdkind a more dangerous being than one might think. A real bird of prey.

GURU-GURU 

He’s obsessed with things going around and around and around and around. So who better to make players dizzy than this man? Guru-Guru, best known as the weird, music box guy in the windmill in Ocarina of Time, is strangely quite a practical choice. As Guru-Guru turns the handle, the ever-irritating Song of Storms could blast at brawlers with brutally loud music, in a spin, off the side of the screen. That tune is in your head already, isn’t it? That is the power of Guru-Guru’s evil music box. 

AGITHA

Agitha, for those who don’t remember is the creepy little ‘Bug Princess’ from Twilight Princess who pays Link extortionate amounts of money for gold bugs. She wants to bathe in snail slime and loves the feeling of the beetles’ sharp their ‘spiky pinchers’ are. On the other end of the scale, most players aren’t nearly as enthusiastic about creepy crawlies, so a swarm of villainous, metallic, golden bugs summoned by this nutcase could be all the more nasty. Ew.

MALO

Malo is a weird, talking baby, who runs a rather strange store in Hyrule Castle Town. Visit the store once it is taken over, and you will find squeaky chants and visitors dancing (though notably not buying anything). Michael Jackson, in Moonwalker could wipe out a screen of enemies by dancing. Malo hypnotically and miserably staring at players while the music kicks off, sending characters into a lethal boogie is hilarious and horrifying all at once. Considering the number of ‘baby’ characters (Mario, Luigi, Peach, Daisy etc) that Nintendo have unveiled as of late, perhaps one that isn’t just filler on Mario Kart line-ups, wouldn’t hurt.

GREAT FAIRIES

AAAAH HA HA HA! That demonic laughter stems from the scantily clad, and supposedly nice (however evil she sounds) Great Fairy. Having arisen from her fountain, not only can she unleash Din’s Fire, Farore’s Wind or Nayru’s Love upon players, but can most importantly, scare the hell out of just about everybody. ER HUR HUR!

???

For those who don’t know, ‘???’ is the official title of the character whose hand comes out of the toilet in Zelda: Majora’s Mask and Skyward Sword, after paper. The last guy (or girl, I’m not sure) that you would want a high-five from. Part of me wants that hand to join in the fun, as a friend of Master Hand, and shower the stage with magical, flaming toilet paper. If Wario’s grand finale move is farts akin to nuclear warfare, this isn’t as stupid as it sounds.

PRINCESS RUTO

2251782-ruto_grownup

Oh, God no. The ultimate weapon. It turns out that the gift she gave you, the Zora’s Sapphire, was also the Zora’s Engagement Ring, and Ruto isn’t going to let you forget that. Ever. Even if Ganondorf, or even Zelda/Shiek are beating the hell out of you in the middle of Hyrule Castle, Ruto is there to remind you that she is yours, and you are hers.

The biggest fourth-wall breaker since Psycho Mantis, this creepy, kinky fish girl can flirt with the players until they are obliged to switch off the console after a maximum of ten seconds. Blegh.

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