I have had a rubbish seven years. According to Facebook, anyway.

In December 2013, Facebook made available a ‘Year in Review’ page, reflecting upon the last 12 months. I wrote an article on how it ignored important details such as graduating and undergoing nerve surgery, but dug up quotes about how I was given a Pokemon keyring, was mistaken for a girl, and got lot of chocolate for Christmas.

Well, they’re at it again. Celebrating its tenth anniversary, Facebook is automatically creating short videos for all users, providing a summary of their usage of the site, and a harsh reminder that you have wasted far too long on there. Briefly, this is a summary of, what Facebook thinks are all the best bits of my Facebook residency.

“You joined in 2007.” True that. I remember being reluctant to do so due to my hatred of social networks at the time. I have never had a Myspace account.

“Your first moments….” I wonder what my first post was. Wait… what?


As if this needed any explaining, this is a near-photo realistic recreation of a scene from A-ha’s ‘Take on Me’ video. Phwoar. Morten Harket’s never looked so good.

“Your most liked posts.” I already know that this will be horrifying. No one reads my Facebook wall, unless something mildly humiliating catches others’ eyes.

In fourth place, with 11 likes: “Nick Pollard chose not to upgrade his profile. And now… Facebook tells me that I don’t have a choice. Where are my human rights! REVOLUTION!” (January 2011) It’s funny that Facebook chooses an anti-Facebook post. This coincided with the hysteria amidst the introduction of News Feed, and now nobody cares. Weird.

In third place, with 13 likes: “Just got an apology from my little brother. He apparently won’t be here for my birthday tomorrow because he’s going to someone else’s birthday party. A boy whose birthday was in February.” (June 2012) A plea for pity from friends led to a giggle. For 13 people anyway.

In second place, with 14 likes, “”Hi, this is Charlie Reid from The Proclaimers. I’ve been asked to call you.” Man, that was weird.” (July 2012) I stand by that statement, made shortly after the aforementioned Proclaimers interview, which can be read here. My father watched and found what he witnessed, rather surreal.

And in first place, with 29 likes… OK, that’s not even me.


“No Christmas present is better than this. Brother Kieran Pollard was wonderful enough to give me a signed photo… of himself. Thanks!” (December 2013) As honoured as I was to receive that image, it’s hardly the highlight of the last seven years. Besides, a few weeks prior, a post about my graduation topped that by a few likes. The ‘Year in Review’ could fall back on the excuse that it didn’t have any artificial intelligence to assess what was important,from what got ten times as much attention due to being funny. However, this is solely numbers. Come on Facebook, you can do better than this. How about some pictures of me for a change?


Oh, come on. That’s not even funny. That really is my only appearance in the ‘Photos you’ve shared’ segment. Aside from that, it’s family members, Dennis Bergkamp, and a friend looking angry, holding a torn piece of paper, with ‘FUCKING GINGER!!!!’ written on it. And in the closing collage:

Picture 12

Thanks very much ‘Mark and the Facebook Team’. At least I make a few appearances here. Alongside Turk from Scrubs, Heino, Dave Coulier and a woman’s crotch with a friend’s nickname written above it (a birthday present to that friend from the woman whose crotch that belongs to).

If anything decent can come of this, it is that I can pretend that Facebook did a good job, functioning as a reminder that I should get out more. They probably wouldn’t be wrong.


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